So after four years and many evenings of nearly killing each other, here we were. Still together and now engaged (an event too x rated to go into). We sat at a Red Lobster on our fourth anniversary and in usual dinner conversation we started talking about everything from the wedding to the adorable kid at the table next to us. Some how a midst all of this we hit the topic of babies and how Trevor was going to be 29 and still no children. This was a topic I knew all to well as it came up often, the fact that by 29 Trevor's dad was the father of 2 seemed to bother him significantly but we both knew now wasn't the time and for me "never" was the only time.
As we continued discussing family and work it hit me like an anvil falling off a cliff on to my head as in an old road runner cartoon I WAS LATE!!! Now let me reiterate, when I say "late" I don't mean for an appointment or I forgot to pay my phone bill last week. I don't even mean (for those of you who know where I'm going with this) I'm a couple of days past my, should have been here monthly reminder that everything is OK. I am three months late!!! Some how with my busy schedule and all the work, I have failed to notice that I haven't had a period in three months. This by the way has never happened and now I start to freak, blood starts to rush to my head and due to the amount of panic I feel I am ready to through up.
I softly tell Trevor what I have just realized. We look at each other and after a very short discussion we decided the only way we can sleep tonight is if we go confirm it with a test. So after a quick bill payment and Trevor reassuring me that we will be OK we head home with a quick stop to the pharmacy. However in the car there is only one thing that we can seem to talk about and that's the obvious. But with Trevor telling me this isn't the right time for us and that we can not have this baby now I start to feel better that we are both on the same train of thought. That we cant follow through and have this baby if I am pregnant of course. Now I have always been pro choice but at my age this wasn't any easy decision to come to and in my heart I am having a hard time with it but having this child doesn't seem like a realistic option either.
After a short while myself and Trevor arrive home I have now convinced my self that I am worrying needlessly. I head to the bathroom and Trevor down stairs, a short instruction read and pee later and I am sitting there waiting for the digital square to read "Pregnant"......... "PREGNANT!!!!" No, No, No its supposed to say Not Pregnant and what ever happened to it taking a few minutes. That was barely seconds is that thing sure it doesn't need a little more time to think? Lets not come to any hasty decisions now!
As the heavy sinking feeling of absolution sets in I know I'm in a lose/lose situation but now some one is downstairs waiting for a response. I don't remember how I got down stairs but like some weird sci-fi movie it seemed that i was beamed down as I don't ever remember my feet touching a single step. I could barely speak and only managed to get out four words "we have a problem!".
What came next was so far from what I expected it almost literally knocked me off my feet. As Trevor ran up the stairs to verify the life changing results instead of a panic stricken face I see a bright smile. WHAT!!! What ever happen to all the talk in the car. The "we cant do this now" and "There is no way we can have this baby". Then I felt sicker then ever as the words we are going to have a baby were said with glee instead of dread. Of all the horrible tricks one could pull! This wasn't fair he turned on me, how could he! But all that I could get out in my moment of panic was sobbing and the words "but i don't want to get fat!!". Laughter filled the room as if I had just delivered the punch line in some Saturday night live comedy skit. He hugged me and with out letting go whispered "your not going to get fat and if you do I will love you anyway!".
Well I'm so glad he will because I wont and to be honest I'm not that thrilled with my self right now and I'm still skinny!! After all I'm going to be a mom and the first thing I think of is getting fat? What the hell is wrong with me.... Then the rest of it hit me, everything rushed in like the red sea closing in again after Moses had parted them. Years of self image issues, family and personal problems, all the reasons I never wanted kids, the freedom I worked so hard to earn, all gone! How would I deal with everything and still properly raise a child? How could I be a good mom?
I felt like I couldn't breath, like I was drowning and in truth I was. I was drowning in the sobbing tears that I cried for over an hour. Finally iIdragged my self to bed and fell asleep exhausted. In the morning we woke up in a quite house, strange since we had my brother and Lisa living with us at the time but no noise not a pin drop. I thought how I would never have this again once there was a baby in the house. As I looked over at Trevor I realized that I had to go through with it no matter what if I got rid of this baby I could never forgive my self for what I would be doing to Trevor. I felt tears welding up and before the flood gates opened again, i got up looked at the test still in its place and still screaming "PREGNANT" and in true me fashion sucked it up, deciding right there that as in the past I would deal with what ever happened.
We walked into the doctors office later that afternoon and we told him what we needed another pee test later we sat back while he told us that the home test was rearly wrong and if it was chances were it would give you a not pregnant when you were and not the other way around. He told us their tests would be in shortly and that we could feel free to tell our family. I fought back the sinking feeling and as we headed home I was unusualy quite. I sure way to know something is wrong with me! I really didnt want to see any one but sure enough as we pulled in there was my brother and Lisa. We told them where we were and a realizing look came across both their faces as john lit up with a smile and lisa seemed to have a hard time containing her excitement. I fought back more tears and went inside to do the one thing I never thought id have to.
The phones rang for what seemed like forever. Now as our parents answered and we told them the news their excitement was like sharp knives through my heart. I wanted to be excited but all I could think of were all the reasons why i shouldnt be pregnant and it killed me that everyone could be so hapy but me. after our parents we told some of our closest friends but not many and then I went to make dinner. Trevor tried really hard to make me feel better and i did all I could to pretend i was happy but we both knew the truth and all he had to do was show up and I would be fighting back tears once again.
I remember trying to picture myself as a mom pushing my little boy or girl on the swing or listening to their exciting stories as they came home from school and told me about their day. I thought of Christmas and that brought the first true smile to my face. A little person running into my room screaming "mommy, daddy santa was here! he was here!". This I admit made me happy and it made everything bitter sweet as the days passed.
As the days passed and the phone never rang, I started wondering what was taking so long for the doctors office to call and book my other tests. So on one faithful morning after a few days had passed I picked up the phone and I called to see what the hold up was. The not so polite nurse at the front desk answered as if picking up the phone was the biggest favour as opposed to the job she was paid to do. I asked her what the hold up was and when I could expect to have to come in for my first test and after putting me on hold she returned with a pause that i wasnt expecting. Finally she spoke and the words set chills through me. I remember feeling every hair on my neck stand as she said "I dont know what to say but your test results are telling us that you are NOT pergnant". Not pregnant! I thought. How could it be and after we were told that the at home tests were rearly wrong on the positive side.
After a visit to the doctor and a few disappointing calls it was over. I sat back in my bed alone thinking, its done! I could go back to life as I knew it no more worring about diapers and 3am feedings and the worries of motherhood, in a way it was what I wanted. So why did I feel so disappointed!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Introduction
So here I am! In front of my laptop in my kitchen, alone..... could it be? I haven't been alone in six months and I'm not alone now, but hopefully this is as alone as I will ever be. My little one asleep upstairs and me wondering where to start. So... how about in the beginning.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
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