So here I am! In front of my laptop in my kitchen, alone..... could it be? I haven't been alone in six months and I'm not alone now, but hopefully this is as alone as I will ever be. My little one asleep upstairs and me wondering where to start. So... how about in the beginning.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
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