After the shock wore off and I could finally think straight, Trevor and I had numerous conversations about the wedding and children. Since he wanted them and I now was feeling oddly strange about the whole disappointment in my lack of uterine inhabitation, I came to the conclusion that maybe meeting him in the middle and having one wouldn't be horrible. After all whats the worst that can happen.....I give birth to the spawn of Satan, a little monster that destroys everything in sight, kills every cell of my being and makes me forget the women I was? Alright! Alright! I agree a bit dramatic to say the least!
But, hey I didn't want any and the best example I had were my brothers...two little terrors one that had my mom wrapped around his little finger and the other a little demon that tortured me even though I was nearly 6 years his senior. Can you believe that little jerk once launched a "glass", yes that's right a "glass' baby bottle at my head while a was napping peacefully on the sofa. He left me with such a large bump and bruise that my parents had to explain to the school what had happened for fear of child services showing up at our door, he was 3!!! Yes, these were great example of what children were right?! No!
I put that out of my mind I would be different I would have a perfect little boy! He would love to cook with mom but, play sports with dad! He would be well mannered and slightly misbehave at times allowing me to say "oh my he's terrible sometimes" while inside thinking I was the luckiest woman alive to have such an awesome child. He would be smart and do well in school and as he grew up we would take him camping and fishing and do great trips and one day he would be some one amazing! I'd be proud and then he would marry a wonderful woman and we would welcome her in to our family and I would have a daughter too! What! isn't that how it works?? I know! I know! Its not like that! If it was my husband would probably be a doctor and he would be married to the perfect woman! Trust me plenty of them exist! ;-p My mother in law would be the happiest women alive! Instead the poor women got stuck with me her P.I.T.A (pain in the ass). She never saw it coming! lol
However all that aside even if it did happen it would be a process a long process. After all I had been told that I would not get pregnant easily, if at all on my own with out medical intervention and so this wasn't going to happen in the blink of an eye and I had lots of time to adjust to the idea! I decided a full physical was in order and away I went to the local walk in. After all the blood work and tests came back I was given a clean bill of health and reminded that I would have to keep track of my temperature and a journal of sexual activity so that after 6 months to a year of trying they could send me to a specialist with proof that we actually tried and did not succeed in getting pregnant. This made me feel confident (insert sarcasm here) and a little weirded out that I'd have to tell a doctor how many times I had sex and when.
After a long discussion we decided that yes we would proceed but, we refused to be those people who stress out every month about whether or not they are pregnant and really refused to turn our selves into baby making machine where sex was this scheduled chore. Yes, like any woman I can be bossy (shhhhh! don't tell Trevor) but, I refused to be a drill Sargent shouting orders at Trevor about when he had to stick it to me because it was Baby Time! Sorry for the rather crude image, but often that's what it seemed like when I heard other couples talking about trying. We instead threw caution to the wind! I took my temp every morning wrote it down and carried on with my day. Then when Trev was home, something that didn't happen often as he worked out of town a lot, if the mood hit us we went for it! Sounds simple enough! In the mean time Trev and I planed the wedding and as we had no hope of getting pregnant naturally the plan was as fallows:
We would continue with this process with no success for the next year and a half. In the mean time we would get married and by that time we would have enough data to prove our inevitable failure at procuring a womb inhabitant and there fore the specialist appointments would start and hopefully by the time we were about a year into our marriage I'd be pregnant. Perfect right?! Oh and by the way we are not pessimists we are realists we knew or odds and refused to be delusional in believing that we would be an exception to the worlds increasing fertility problems. Now as you can probably tell by now I'm a planner so with this plan in hand I felt confident that we were on the right track.
A half a month into the "caution to wind"project and Trev had still not been home once but my mother had been out and had already brought me out a luggage bag full of little girls clothes that a friend of hers had given her after we thought I was pregnant in February. No pressure! right?! of course! Trevor finally came home for one weekend but between the craziness of family being out and all the things we had to catch up on for the wedding we were lucky we even got one night alone and off he was again gone for goodness knows how long. Well that was looking promising :(
For the fallowing week I was busy as work was so crazy I barely had time to do my evening acne treatment routine. I've suffered with acne since I was a teenager and unlike most women mine didn't up and vanished when I became an adult. Instead it stayed and at the rate I was going I was headed for the worst break out in years!!! On one especially busy night I didn't have time to make dinner, so tired and hungry I pulled some lasagna I had made and froze and microwaved it and then crawled onto the sofa turned on the t.v. and prepared to dig in. However as I brought the fork up to my mouth the smell of spinach and cheese that I looked so forward to all of a sudden seemed vile and made me gag. I tried to eat it but got maybe two fork fulls in before I realized that if I continued it would not end well.
To tired to care at this point I put down the food in the kitchen and went of to bed! the next morning I got up, felt great, showered, changed and as I was brushing my teeth looked up at the mirror with fear in my eyes at what a week of no cream on my face would look like......What the @&%*!!! Where was the acne? The face before me was a face with beautiful skin, all but cleared up and soft even though it had been so mistreated in the last week. I mean sure I had heard great myths of a land where girls put no effort into there faces but yet had wonderful skin I even had the pleasure of seeing some of these girls before, but I was not from said land. I was from a land where girls put hours every week into their skin and yet their skin resembled that of a gargoyles at best! Then light blab literally went on over my head.....as I turned on the light to take a better look! ;-p All joking a side I did have an "Ah Ha!" moment and then it went away. Nah! I though, impossible! I went off to work and tried not to think about it, but as the next week progressed it became harder as my skin got even better and I did nothing on purpose now to put it to the test.
I decided to cave and do a test I still had one buried in the cabinet from February's fiasco so why not?! I will never forget it . It was Friday the 13 in June of 2008. I woke up and did the test. Then I went to grab breakfast and tried not to freak out about it, but who am I kidding I always freak out so half way down the stairs I turned around and went back up. I watched as the line slowly appeared and got darker and darker. By this tests standards I was pregnant. I called Trevor and told him he was excited but it was surreal and after our last experience we decided not to get to worked up until the medical tests came back positive too. That week I went to the doctor for more blood work by this point I was starting to empathise with a pin cushion! The regular doctor wasn't there so I saw the one working that day and I was assured that if the test came back positive I'd be called. I went home still feeling like it was impossible especially since he was only home once and the doctor had no hope of it happening. I mean sure we make superman jokes all the time where Trev is concerned but seriously whats the man packing....super sperm????
A couple of days later I got a call from the clinic, that they needed to talk to me and I knew! I walked in and it was the regular doctor. as soon as he saw me he started into a speech "I told you, you wouldn't get pregnant easily!" he said fallowed by " you can't come in every month to check if you are. You need to give it time...." He continued in this line for a bit finally since I was not saying anything back he asked "What are you here for?" then it was my turn "well doctor I was already here a few days ago and today your office called me in. They said they needed to see me about the results!" He was quiet and opened the file then said this "that's impossible! I mean you have only been trying a month!" I smiled this was my moment to metaphorically punch him where it hurt "That's right one month and in that month we only slept together once! What can I say the boy is clearly a high achiever!"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, September 28, 2009
The OOP'S factor
So after four years and many evenings of nearly killing each other, here we were. Still together and now engaged (an event too x rated to go into). We sat at a Red Lobster on our fourth anniversary and in usual dinner conversation we started talking about everything from the wedding to the adorable kid at the table next to us. Some how a midst all of this we hit the topic of babies and how Trevor was going to be 29 and still no children. This was a topic I knew all to well as it came up often, the fact that by 29 Trevor's dad was the father of 2 seemed to bother him significantly but we both knew now wasn't the time and for me "never" was the only time.
As we continued discussing family and work it hit me like an anvil falling off a cliff on to my head as in an old road runner cartoon I WAS LATE!!! Now let me reiterate, when I say "late" I don't mean for an appointment or I forgot to pay my phone bill last week. I don't even mean (for those of you who know where I'm going with this) I'm a couple of days past my, should have been here monthly reminder that everything is OK. I am three months late!!! Some how with my busy schedule and all the work, I have failed to notice that I haven't had a period in three months. This by the way has never happened and now I start to freak, blood starts to rush to my head and due to the amount of panic I feel I am ready to through up.
I softly tell Trevor what I have just realized. We look at each other and after a very short discussion we decided the only way we can sleep tonight is if we go confirm it with a test. So after a quick bill payment and Trevor reassuring me that we will be OK we head home with a quick stop to the pharmacy. However in the car there is only one thing that we can seem to talk about and that's the obvious. But with Trevor telling me this isn't the right time for us and that we can not have this baby now I start to feel better that we are both on the same train of thought. That we cant follow through and have this baby if I am pregnant of course. Now I have always been pro choice but at my age this wasn't any easy decision to come to and in my heart I am having a hard time with it but having this child doesn't seem like a realistic option either.
After a short while myself and Trevor arrive home I have now convinced my self that I am worrying needlessly. I head to the bathroom and Trevor down stairs, a short instruction read and pee later and I am sitting there waiting for the digital square to read "Pregnant"......... "PREGNANT!!!!" No, No, No its supposed to say Not Pregnant and what ever happened to it taking a few minutes. That was barely seconds is that thing sure it doesn't need a little more time to think? Lets not come to any hasty decisions now!
As the heavy sinking feeling of absolution sets in I know I'm in a lose/lose situation but now some one is downstairs waiting for a response. I don't remember how I got down stairs but like some weird sci-fi movie it seemed that i was beamed down as I don't ever remember my feet touching a single step. I could barely speak and only managed to get out four words "we have a problem!".
What came next was so far from what I expected it almost literally knocked me off my feet. As Trevor ran up the stairs to verify the life changing results instead of a panic stricken face I see a bright smile. WHAT!!! What ever happen to all the talk in the car. The "we cant do this now" and "There is no way we can have this baby". Then I felt sicker then ever as the words we are going to have a baby were said with glee instead of dread. Of all the horrible tricks one could pull! This wasn't fair he turned on me, how could he! But all that I could get out in my moment of panic was sobbing and the words "but i don't want to get fat!!". Laughter filled the room as if I had just delivered the punch line in some Saturday night live comedy skit. He hugged me and with out letting go whispered "your not going to get fat and if you do I will love you anyway!".
Well I'm so glad he will because I wont and to be honest I'm not that thrilled with my self right now and I'm still skinny!! After all I'm going to be a mom and the first thing I think of is getting fat? What the hell is wrong with me.... Then the rest of it hit me, everything rushed in like the red sea closing in again after Moses had parted them. Years of self image issues, family and personal problems, all the reasons I never wanted kids, the freedom I worked so hard to earn, all gone! How would I deal with everything and still properly raise a child? How could I be a good mom?
I felt like I couldn't breath, like I was drowning and in truth I was. I was drowning in the sobbing tears that I cried for over an hour. Finally iIdragged my self to bed and fell asleep exhausted. In the morning we woke up in a quite house, strange since we had my brother and Lisa living with us at the time but no noise not a pin drop. I thought how I would never have this again once there was a baby in the house. As I looked over at Trevor I realized that I had to go through with it no matter what if I got rid of this baby I could never forgive my self for what I would be doing to Trevor. I felt tears welding up and before the flood gates opened again, i got up looked at the test still in its place and still screaming "PREGNANT" and in true me fashion sucked it up, deciding right there that as in the past I would deal with what ever happened.
We walked into the doctors office later that afternoon and we told him what we needed another pee test later we sat back while he told us that the home test was rearly wrong and if it was chances were it would give you a not pregnant when you were and not the other way around. He told us their tests would be in shortly and that we could feel free to tell our family. I fought back the sinking feeling and as we headed home I was unusualy quite. I sure way to know something is wrong with me! I really didnt want to see any one but sure enough as we pulled in there was my brother and Lisa. We told them where we were and a realizing look came across both their faces as john lit up with a smile and lisa seemed to have a hard time containing her excitement. I fought back more tears and went inside to do the one thing I never thought id have to.
The phones rang for what seemed like forever. Now as our parents answered and we told them the news their excitement was like sharp knives through my heart. I wanted to be excited but all I could think of were all the reasons why i shouldnt be pregnant and it killed me that everyone could be so hapy but me. after our parents we told some of our closest friends but not many and then I went to make dinner. Trevor tried really hard to make me feel better and i did all I could to pretend i was happy but we both knew the truth and all he had to do was show up and I would be fighting back tears once again.
I remember trying to picture myself as a mom pushing my little boy or girl on the swing or listening to their exciting stories as they came home from school and told me about their day. I thought of Christmas and that brought the first true smile to my face. A little person running into my room screaming "mommy, daddy santa was here! he was here!". This I admit made me happy and it made everything bitter sweet as the days passed.
As the days passed and the phone never rang, I started wondering what was taking so long for the doctors office to call and book my other tests. So on one faithful morning after a few days had passed I picked up the phone and I called to see what the hold up was. The not so polite nurse at the front desk answered as if picking up the phone was the biggest favour as opposed to the job she was paid to do. I asked her what the hold up was and when I could expect to have to come in for my first test and after putting me on hold she returned with a pause that i wasnt expecting. Finally she spoke and the words set chills through me. I remember feeling every hair on my neck stand as she said "I dont know what to say but your test results are telling us that you are NOT pergnant". Not pregnant! I thought. How could it be and after we were told that the at home tests were rearly wrong on the positive side.
After a visit to the doctor and a few disappointing calls it was over. I sat back in my bed alone thinking, its done! I could go back to life as I knew it no more worring about diapers and 3am feedings and the worries of motherhood, in a way it was what I wanted. So why did I feel so disappointed!
As we continued discussing family and work it hit me like an anvil falling off a cliff on to my head as in an old road runner cartoon I WAS LATE!!! Now let me reiterate, when I say "late" I don't mean for an appointment or I forgot to pay my phone bill last week. I don't even mean (for those of you who know where I'm going with this) I'm a couple of days past my, should have been here monthly reminder that everything is OK. I am three months late!!! Some how with my busy schedule and all the work, I have failed to notice that I haven't had a period in three months. This by the way has never happened and now I start to freak, blood starts to rush to my head and due to the amount of panic I feel I am ready to through up.
I softly tell Trevor what I have just realized. We look at each other and after a very short discussion we decided the only way we can sleep tonight is if we go confirm it with a test. So after a quick bill payment and Trevor reassuring me that we will be OK we head home with a quick stop to the pharmacy. However in the car there is only one thing that we can seem to talk about and that's the obvious. But with Trevor telling me this isn't the right time for us and that we can not have this baby now I start to feel better that we are both on the same train of thought. That we cant follow through and have this baby if I am pregnant of course. Now I have always been pro choice but at my age this wasn't any easy decision to come to and in my heart I am having a hard time with it but having this child doesn't seem like a realistic option either.
After a short while myself and Trevor arrive home I have now convinced my self that I am worrying needlessly. I head to the bathroom and Trevor down stairs, a short instruction read and pee later and I am sitting there waiting for the digital square to read "Pregnant"......... "PREGNANT!!!!" No, No, No its supposed to say Not Pregnant and what ever happened to it taking a few minutes. That was barely seconds is that thing sure it doesn't need a little more time to think? Lets not come to any hasty decisions now!
As the heavy sinking feeling of absolution sets in I know I'm in a lose/lose situation but now some one is downstairs waiting for a response. I don't remember how I got down stairs but like some weird sci-fi movie it seemed that i was beamed down as I don't ever remember my feet touching a single step. I could barely speak and only managed to get out four words "we have a problem!".
What came next was so far from what I expected it almost literally knocked me off my feet. As Trevor ran up the stairs to verify the life changing results instead of a panic stricken face I see a bright smile. WHAT!!! What ever happen to all the talk in the car. The "we cant do this now" and "There is no way we can have this baby". Then I felt sicker then ever as the words we are going to have a baby were said with glee instead of dread. Of all the horrible tricks one could pull! This wasn't fair he turned on me, how could he! But all that I could get out in my moment of panic was sobbing and the words "but i don't want to get fat!!". Laughter filled the room as if I had just delivered the punch line in some Saturday night live comedy skit. He hugged me and with out letting go whispered "your not going to get fat and if you do I will love you anyway!".
Well I'm so glad he will because I wont and to be honest I'm not that thrilled with my self right now and I'm still skinny!! After all I'm going to be a mom and the first thing I think of is getting fat? What the hell is wrong with me.... Then the rest of it hit me, everything rushed in like the red sea closing in again after Moses had parted them. Years of self image issues, family and personal problems, all the reasons I never wanted kids, the freedom I worked so hard to earn, all gone! How would I deal with everything and still properly raise a child? How could I be a good mom?
I felt like I couldn't breath, like I was drowning and in truth I was. I was drowning in the sobbing tears that I cried for over an hour. Finally iIdragged my self to bed and fell asleep exhausted. In the morning we woke up in a quite house, strange since we had my brother and Lisa living with us at the time but no noise not a pin drop. I thought how I would never have this again once there was a baby in the house. As I looked over at Trevor I realized that I had to go through with it no matter what if I got rid of this baby I could never forgive my self for what I would be doing to Trevor. I felt tears welding up and before the flood gates opened again, i got up looked at the test still in its place and still screaming "PREGNANT" and in true me fashion sucked it up, deciding right there that as in the past I would deal with what ever happened.
We walked into the doctors office later that afternoon and we told him what we needed another pee test later we sat back while he told us that the home test was rearly wrong and if it was chances were it would give you a not pregnant when you were and not the other way around. He told us their tests would be in shortly and that we could feel free to tell our family. I fought back the sinking feeling and as we headed home I was unusualy quite. I sure way to know something is wrong with me! I really didnt want to see any one but sure enough as we pulled in there was my brother and Lisa. We told them where we were and a realizing look came across both their faces as john lit up with a smile and lisa seemed to have a hard time containing her excitement. I fought back more tears and went inside to do the one thing I never thought id have to.
The phones rang for what seemed like forever. Now as our parents answered and we told them the news their excitement was like sharp knives through my heart. I wanted to be excited but all I could think of were all the reasons why i shouldnt be pregnant and it killed me that everyone could be so hapy but me. after our parents we told some of our closest friends but not many and then I went to make dinner. Trevor tried really hard to make me feel better and i did all I could to pretend i was happy but we both knew the truth and all he had to do was show up and I would be fighting back tears once again.
I remember trying to picture myself as a mom pushing my little boy or girl on the swing or listening to their exciting stories as they came home from school and told me about their day. I thought of Christmas and that brought the first true smile to my face. A little person running into my room screaming "mommy, daddy santa was here! he was here!". This I admit made me happy and it made everything bitter sweet as the days passed.
As the days passed and the phone never rang, I started wondering what was taking so long for the doctors office to call and book my other tests. So on one faithful morning after a few days had passed I picked up the phone and I called to see what the hold up was. The not so polite nurse at the front desk answered as if picking up the phone was the biggest favour as opposed to the job she was paid to do. I asked her what the hold up was and when I could expect to have to come in for my first test and after putting me on hold she returned with a pause that i wasnt expecting. Finally she spoke and the words set chills through me. I remember feeling every hair on my neck stand as she said "I dont know what to say but your test results are telling us that you are NOT pergnant". Not pregnant! I thought. How could it be and after we were told that the at home tests were rearly wrong on the positive side.
After a visit to the doctor and a few disappointing calls it was over. I sat back in my bed alone thinking, its done! I could go back to life as I knew it no more worring about diapers and 3am feedings and the worries of motherhood, in a way it was what I wanted. So why did I feel so disappointed!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Introduction
So here I am! In front of my laptop in my kitchen, alone..... could it be? I haven't been alone in six months and I'm not alone now, but hopefully this is as alone as I will ever be. My little one asleep upstairs and me wondering where to start. So... how about in the beginning.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
I was born in Portugal and raised in Toronto, Canada in a house with two brothers and very crazy European parents. If your European you understand the crazy part. I can remember as far back as 8 loving to play with barbies but my main reason was the pretty pink corvette. As the years passed my love for playing house or other girly games was surpassed by the love of much more boyish things. Don't get me wrong, I do remember times where I too caved to the lavish play things of little girls! In fact I remember vividly at almost sixteen tearing through my best friends collection of barbie memorabilia and setting everything up with her including a very adorable pool fully loaded with water only to discover that we really had (Thank God) out grown it and only enjoyed doing the dolls hair before we got bored. Ah the good old days when times were simple and getting caught playing barbies at that age was the scariest thing that could happen. (Sorry babe had to share) As time progressed I some how came to the decision that although I loved children I would NEVER have any. No sir not me!!! I would not be caught dead with a screaming kid in a grocery store or ever drive a mini van full of children hopped up on candy yelling "Are we there yet?" as a tried to safely get them to hockey practice with out killing them. I swore I wouldn't! I was going to be a success an actress/director or possibly restaurateur famous in my own right and rich, so rich I wouldn't know what to do with all my money. No wait I would know what to do! I'd spend it on world trips and a gorgeous candy apple red corvette. Convertible of course it would have black leather seats and I would look great in it or it would look great with me in it but note there would not be a place there for a child. Since at that time I had reached the conclusion that all men were pigs or at least not worth our efforts. I would not worry about marriage either I would marry my work and so for many years in my young life I did.
I worked crazy amounts of hours. I even worked for free just to gain experience in the Field I was in and truth be told I loved every minute. I served Hollywood stars and government officials even a president once. I met famous chefs and even helped the culinary Olympic team of Canada. However one day in a hasty well be it not great decision I moved and everything changed. I did it because I had to but it would change my life forever. Since I was such a commitmentfob I never had a serious relationship, always dated men far older then I and was quite content to be overly independent. But after one relationship (if you can call it that) left a bad taste in my mouth I refused to so much as go on a date for a year and a half. I couldn't even stand the idea of getting romantically involved with a man after that. For a while I feared I was destined to end up a very old lady found dead alone in a puddle of milk after slipping and breaking a hip trying to feed her fifty some odd cats. It was then on a night out with a friend celebrating a new business that I met him! Will call him Fred! No! We wont! His name is Trevor and I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I stood there dancing with friends. He asked me to dance and me being the goofy dork that I am asked him (while stand on the dance floor of a busy Barrie night club) "where?". Jeez Louise Claudia where do you think? I know how about in the bathroom some where near the urinals, that would be romantic????? I should mention that I had not been drinking and that any other man would have laughed and walked away but not this one he was determined and answered "right here." I didn't know it then but that interaction was the start of something that would change my life forever.
I gave him my number something I did not often do and we went on a date and then another and some how I lost track of my mission to not be another statistic, a woman, Captured and held hostage by laundry, cleaning and cooking. Maybe it was his easy going ways or maybe i was growing up but for the first time I didn't have a panic attack when he held me nor did I feel I had to run away in order to feel free. I can still remember warning him of my oh so terrifying fear of commitment and months later the first time he told me he loved me. We were goofing around as we always did wrestling like children, me feeling so proud that I could take him down. Right because I'm sure that me a mere 5' 3", 107 lbs could take down a 6'3", 200lb man and that it wasn't just him letting me win. He threw me on to my bed as I broke into laughter and in a moment of complete distraction he said it "God I love you!". Then silence as he realized what he said and waited with held breath for me to hyperventilate, pull out the paper bag and start breathing with my head in between my legs screaming "Get the hell out of my house!". There was fear in his eyes! What was seconds felt like hours and he broke the silence "I'm sorry. Are you o.k.?" I thought about it and I was. I had worried about this for so long and had never heard it before, now that the moment was here it was fine but I wouldn't say it back. Not yet! Not now! He was relieved when I laughed and said I was fine and about a month later by accident I said what I had felt for months but couldn't bring myself to say and so it was done no going back and I never have.
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